6 HABITS OF TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS THAT MOST PEOPLE THINK ARE NORMAL

Not only romantic relationships, but any relationship of yours, if it shows the following signs, could be a toxic relationship.

No relationship is perfect, and no couple has everything their way all the time. Sometimes conflicts and disagreements are normal, but there are some toxic relationship habits that people think are acceptable but actually aren't. These toxic relationship habits can silently destroy your relationship beautifully.

So, how do you identify a toxic relationship?

There's no high school class teaching us how not to become a terrible boyfriend or girlfriend or about toxic relationships. Sure, they teach us about sexual biology and the legality of marriage, and maybe we've skimmed through some 19th-century love stories about how not to be.

But part of the problem is that many unhealthy relationship habits have been woven into our culture. We glorify romantic love - you know, that dizzying, irrational kind of love, somehow finding broken china plates endearing in tears - and mock practicality or unusual sexual desire.

Men and women are nurtured to objectify each other and objectify their relationships. So, our partners are often seen as possessions rather than someone to mutually share emotional support with.

There's a lot of self-help literature out there that's not helpful (no, men and women are not from different planets, you're oversimplifying). And for most of us, our parents are certainly not the prime examples.

Fortunately, there has been a lot of psychological research on healthy and happy relationships over the decades, and there are some consistent general principles that most people don't know or don't adhere to. In fact, some of these principles actually go against what's traditionally considered "romantic" or normal in a relationship.

Here are the six most common trends in relationships that many couples think are healthy and normal, but are actually toxic and destructive to everything you cherish.

1. KEEPING SCORE IN A RELATIONSHIP

What it is: The phenomenon of "keeping score" is when someone you're dating continues to blame you for past mistakes in the relationship.

If both people in the relationship do this, it turns into what I call a "relationship scorecard," where it becomes a battle to see who has worn you down the most over the months or years, and therefore who owes the other more.

Why it's toxic in a relationship: The relationship scorecard develops over time because one or both people in the relationship use past wrongdoings to try to justify their current righteousness. It's a double monster of a bloodsucker.

You're not only deflecting the current issue, but you're also fostering guilt and bitterness from the past to make the other person feel wrong in the present.

If this persists long enough, both partners will eventually spend most of their energy trying to prove that they're less to blame than the other instead of resolving the current issue. People spend all their time trying to make less wrong for each other instead of more right for each other.

Instead, what to do: Address issues individually unless they're legitimately connected. If someone cheats repeatedly, that's obviously a recurring issue. But her embarrassing you in 2010 and now she's sad and overlooks you today in 2013 are not related, so don't bring that up.

You have to recognize that by choosing to be with your loving partner, you're choosing all of their previous actions and behaviors. If you don't accept those, then ultimately, you don't accept them. If something bothered you so much a year ago, you should've dealt with it a year ago.

2. DROPPING "HINTS" AND OTHER PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIORS

What it means: Instead of openly stating desires or thoughts, your partner tries to push you in the right direction they've found yourself. Instead of saying what really bothers you, you find small and trivial ways to annoy your partner so that you can feel justified in complaining to them later.

Why it's toxic in a relationship: Because it shows that both of you are not comfortable communicating openly and clearly with each other.

A person has no reason to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing any anger or insecurity in the relationship. A person will never feel a need to "give hints" if they feel like they won't be judged or criticized for it.

Instead, what to do: Express your emotions and desires openly. And make it clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible or obliged to them but that you'd love their support.

If they love you, they'll almost always be willing to at least hear you out.

3. USING THE RELATIONSHIP AS A GUILTING TOOL

What it is: When someone criticizes or complains outright and blackmails the other by threatening the commitment of the entire relationship. For example, if someone feels like you've been cold to them, instead of saying, "I feel like sometimes you're cold," they'll say, "I can't date someone who's always cold to me."

Why it's toxic: It's emotional blackmail and creates a ton of unnecessary drama. Every minor hiccup in the flow of the relationship leads to a major existential crisis of commitment awareness.

The essential thing for both people in a relationship is to know that negative thoughts and feelings can be communicated to each other safely without the fear of being judged or criticized for it. Otherwise, people will suppress their genuine thoughts and feelings, leading to a mistrustful and manipulative environment.

Instead, what to do: Own up to your feelings and expect your partner to be responsible for them. There's a small but important difference between being supportive of your partner and being obligated to them.

One can commit to someone and not like everything about them. Someone can be perpetually dedicated to someone but still, be occasionally annoyed or angered by their partner.

Conversely, two partners who can communicate feedback and criticism towards each other without judgment or blackmail will strengthen their commitment to each other in the long run.

4. BLAMING YOUR PARTNER FOR YOUR OWN EMOTIONS

What it is: Suppose you're having a lousy day, and your partner isn't particularly sympathetic or supportive at this time. They've been on the phone all day with someone else at work.

They're distracted when you hug them. You want to stay home together and just watch a movie tonight, but they have plans to go out and meet their friends.

So, you attack them for being insensitive and emotionally unavailable to you. You've had a lousy day, and they didn't do anything about it. Surely, you've never asked, but they should just know to make you feel better. They should have turned off the phone and canceled their plans based on your miserable emotional state.

Why it's toxic: Blaming our partner for our emotions is a form of selfish manipulation and is a classic example of maintaining poor personal boundaries.

When you set the precedent that your partner must be responsible for how you feel at all times (and vice versa), you'll develop a dependency on each other. Suddenly, they're not allowed to plan for activities without checking in with you first.

The biggest problem with developing these dependency tendencies is that they breed resentment. Sure, if my girlfriend were angry with me because she had a bad day, annoyed, and needed care, that's understandable.

But if it becomes an expectation that my life always revolves around her emotional well-being, then you better believe that resentment will build.

Instead, what to do: Take responsibility for your emotions and expect your partner to be responsible for theirs. There's a subtle difference between loving someone and looking to them for support.

It's unhealthy to expect your partner to alleviate your emotional distress, and they're equally responsible for their emotional well-being. Plus, a lot of the time, life isn't just about having a lousy day.

Sometimes it's about understanding the other person's point of view and supporting them.

5. DISPLAYING EXCESSIVE JEALOUSY

What it is: When you think you're in love, jealousy is what it's like to want someone else all to yourself. You don't want them going out, talking to certain people, or doing something without you.

Why it's toxic: Excessive jealousy is always rooted in insecurity. "I'm afraid that something's going to take you away from me." When we feel threatened, we go into attack mode, trying to convince people of our love and commitment when really, we're just addressing our own fears.

Instead, what to do: Trust your partner. It's a testament to your relationship that neither of you is interested in someone else.

When you stop trusting your partner, it's hard to feel safe and secure in your relationship, and without that, you're basically doomed.

6. AVOIDING DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS

What it is: Anything that's bothering you about the relationship that you avoid discussing or even worse, when you refuse to address a concern about a partner or your relationship, it leads to stagnation and resentment.

Why it's toxic: Not only does it leave the issues unresolved, but it creates resentment, pent-up feelings, and even more distance between you and your partner.

Instead, what to do: Face the uncomfortable truths in your relationship. It's much easier to get over a conflict or deal with a problem early than it is to suffer through a conflict when it becomes unbearable or to go through the pain of resenting your partner. Communicate!

In summary, most relationships involve some level of toxic behavior at times. It's important to recognize these toxic patterns and work on addressing them to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships."